My Story Part 2

In August 2022 our family went on a private catamaran yacht trip with unlimited booze. We would start drinking in the morning into the night. When I would drink, I was someone who wanted to keep the party going. I never wanted the night to end.

On our last night of the trip, I got so drunk and treated my husband badly by hitting him and telling him terrible things. I don't remember this night because I was blacked out. He was trying to get me to go to bed and I didn't want that to happen so I lashed out.

After this night, I was truly worried my marriage was in danger and that I would loose everything.

I was determined to change and not let alcohol control me any more. On the way home from the trip, I was desperately googling trying to find a therapist that could help me. Thankfully, I found her quickly and started therapy right away.

My therapist taught me how to self-reflect when I would drink and further discover my relationship with alcohol. She would tell me that I was in control when I drank but in reality, I never felt in control of my drinking. I felt that it always controlled me. I could never just have one drink. It was always drink after drink until I was drunk.

I spent two years in therapy. I worked on moderation with alcohol and in the beginning I took it very seriously. I counted how many drinks I was having and I was treating my husband a lot better when I drank. BUT I was still experiencing blackouts every few months. I still couldn't fully get a hold of my drinking. Over time, I stopped counting my drinks.

On New Years Eve 2023, that's when everything changed. We were having a kid-free party weekend with friends and family. The first night we had a wine night with about 10 bottles of wine and 8 people. Typically I was ok with wine but this night I blacked out. I never knew when I was going to blackout and how much was too much. I found myself throwing up in the bathroom. It was a horrible feeling missing out on the night and being sick for the remainder of it. I woke up with a pounding headache, anxiety and an upset stomach.

The next night was New Years Eve and there wasn't a question that I wasn't not going to drink. In my mind of course I was going to but what could I drink without blacking out? I chose to drink seltzers. We played drinking games and I bought a huge bottle of champagne to pass around.

We stayed up to watch the ball drop and yell "Happy New Year!". Everyone was tired and ready for bed but I wanted to keep the night going. I suggested we take a drunk golf cart ride through the neighborhood to see what was going on.

I was on the back with my brother holding a huge speaker playing music and a drink in the other hand. We made a sharp turn on ice and I was thrown off the golf cart. I landed on my face and in that moment, I had an out of body experience.

I found myself looking down at my body watching myself bleed out of my head while hearing the words "Alcohol will kill you one day if you don't get your shit together." I felt confused if I was dead or alive. Thankfully I was alive as my brother and husband lifted me off the ground.

I was crying and yelling "I'm bleeding!". I felt panicked, scared and so confused what happened. As I went to bed that night, I had extreme anxiety watching what happened replay in my mind over and over again. This wasn't a moment that I could brush off and forget about. I knew this was serious. I discovered road rash on my body the next morning on my elbow and knee. My forehead was also swollen. I had to look at my cuts and bruises for the next few weeks which made me think about what had happened every day. To this day, I still have scars.

I believe that moment was a wakeup call for me to seriously look at my relationship with alcohol and the damage it was causing in my life. I believe my intuition was calling me to a higher purpose to discover what my life could be without alcohol.

I decided to do Dry January and spend the next 30 days learning about alcohol and the affects it has on your body.

I started by listening to Andrew Huberman's podcast episode "What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain & Health." https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-alcohol-does-to-your-body-brain-health/id1545953110?i=1000576901433

I learned a lot about how dangerous alcohol really is. I am someone who always valued taking care of myself by working out during the week, eating healthy, drinking my green drinks, but then on the weekends, I would completely sabotage myself by binge drinking alcohol and eating like crap. It wasn't making sense.

After the 30 days of not drinking, I re-evaluated. It was the first time in a long time that I felt really good physically, mentally and spiritually. I no longer had brain fog, an upset stomach from drinking, my sleep improved, I wasn't fighting with my spouse over a night of drinking. Overall, I was feeling so much better.

After my first month, I decided I would continue to take it day by day, month by month. The pros of being sober vs. drinking started to become completely unmatched.

I was starting to become someone that I was really proud of.

I really disliked the parts of me that came out when I was drinking. The sloppiness, the blackouts and not remembering what embarrassing things I did or said, the dancing on top of tables, the flashing people. I was never ever proud of that version of me.

I always felt like if I could just get rid of her, I would finally be able to love myself and who I am because those parts wouldn't exist any more. It's true that not drinking took those parts of me away. I started to discover who I am without alcohol. What my passions and interests are, what I like to do.

Today I can say that I am proudly 169 days sober. There was a time when I never thought it was possible for me. I thought I'd be 90 years old still drinking and dancing on a bar. I am so grateful to be living a sober life. A life that I am truly proud to live. A life without all the mess and chaos of alcohol. I am living a life of peace, purpose, growth, love and joy that I look forward to living every single day. Is every day perfect? No. Do I still have struggles? Yes. But I can honestly say that even my bad days of being sober outweigh any day I had while drinking.

If you can relate to me and my story in any way, please don't hesitate to reach out! I can help you discover your best life alcohol-free. We can do it together. You are not alone and don't have to be alone on this journey. Your best life is within reach! <3

Xo,

Ashley